So, here you go. All my months of wisdom to do with what you wish.
By far my biggest fear with having a second kid wasn't that it would be too hard or too tiring (oh young, naiive Anndee, not worrying about sleep deprivation. Those were the days.) it was that I was somehow ruining Dayen's life by having a second baby.
Is that just some weird fear of my generation? Because it seems like people used to be able to have multiple kids and feel fine about it, while me and my friends are over here feeling some weird mom guilt over our #1 not being our one and only anymore.
For months before Auric was born, I felt like I was in a constant state of panic over the limited time I had left with Dayen. I became Disneyland Mom, and every day was a fun new adventure that felt like it was happening for the last time ever. And oh, the guilt. I would look at him and think, You have no idea I'm about to turn your life upside down.
Boy am I glad that I was wrong. And here's why:
#1 Babies Sleep A Lot
I forgot that, for the first year, babies sleep a lot. They nap all day at first, then like 3 times a day, then 2... I'm convinced this has less to do with the fact that they are growing and more to do with the fact that if moms didn't get a chance during the day to shower once in awhile, we'd completely lose it. But now, nap times are an easy way for me to schedule one-on-one time with my oldest. Those moments of just us together didn't die with the birth of another baby. And when Auric is awake, he just adds to the fun. He chews on a car on the floor while Dayen and I build a race track. You make it work.
#2 Changes in You
I was sure that having another baby would change my relationship with Dayen. I honestly believed deep down that I couldn't love them both enough, or the same, and I was so afraid I either wouldn't bond with the new baby because Dayen would always have a three year head start on him, or that I would somehow replace Dayen in my mind and love the baby more.
If you're hormones are telling you this too, just stop it. If anything, you learn to love that baby more and faster because you already know what it means to be a mom. You can appreciate it more this time around. And your love for that first born will never go away. How could it?
What I wasn't expecting, was how much bringing home a new baby would change my perspective of Dayen. My mom once told me that we always expect more out of our first borns than our other kids, and I didn't believe it until we brought Auric home. Not only did Dayen suddenly look like a giant, but it was like something flipped in my brain and I thought Ok, Auric is the baby now, so Dayen needs to be a grown up. I tried to hide it from him but I would get so frustrated when he did totally normal toddler things. I felt like the baby needed me constantly, so my three year old shouldn't need me so much anymore.
I thought it wasn't affecting him until one day Dayen was watching TV and holding on to my leg like he couldn't let me go. Although he never showed any anger or aggression toward Auric (he's always been a really sweet big brother) he was clinging to me like I was slipping away, and it broke my heart. So I left the baby home with Caleb and took Dayen to the park and still have to remind myself every day that he is only three. He gets to make mistakes, he gets to be obnoxious sometimes, he gets to throw fits over nothing, and I will survive it. I think.
#3 Don't feel bad for your first
Overall the thing that has changed my thinking is that I realized Dayen isn't the one I should be feeling sorry for: it's all his siblings who get the bad end of the deal. Dayen got to be the lone shining star of the family for three years. He had our undivided attention, and then I actually felt guilty taking some of that away. Auric is the one I should feel sorry for, and if his hand-me-down spit up stained clothes aren't proof enough of that, I don't know what is. When he is three, will he get the same long, drawn out bedtime routines that Dayen has? Will I worry as much about spending one-on-one time with him? Especially if and when other kids come along. Dayen will never suffer the wrath of the middle child. For that reason alone, don't feel bad for your oldest.
Maybe this is all things you already knew and this didn't help at all, but ultimately this is the point I want to make: squash that mom guilt right out of you. It's not serving you. Everything is going to be great. Hard, tiring, and crazy sometimes, but great. Pinky promise.
