I haven't posted anything here in over a year, but true to myself I end up writing a lot more when times are hard. It probably comes across that my life is full of anger and frustrations, but I just don't find myself wanting to write much when everything is hunky-dory. Probably because I'd end up using words like hunky-dory. So basically, it's a good thing you haven't heard from me here in a year.
But boy, what a summer it's been.
Rather than focusing on that, I wanted to share some of what I've learned this summer about grief. I hope this doesn't come across as completely preachy, because full disclosure: I've never been great with grief. I've been lucky enough in my life to not have to deal with much until now. When my cousin died nearly 3 years ago, I went over to his sister's house to be with her. She has always been the closest thing I've ever had to a sister, and I was mourning him too, but I didn't know how to deal with it or what to say. I remember sitting there awkwardly, feeling like I was in the way, when her friend came over to visit and immediately hugged her. I thought, well duh Anndee. You could have hugged her.
All this to say, I was an infant when it came to grief, and after this summer, I'm maybe a toddler. And now I want to tell you how to do it, like all toddlers do. So buckle up.
The BIGGEST thing is that we need to be there for each other during the hard times. It's easy to avoid someone who is having a rough time, or feel like they don't want to talk to us because we don't know how to help. But let me pull from one of the deepest pits of my soul some song lyrics that changed my life in the 90's:
-Backstreet Boys
I know. Legends.
Or maybe it's more appropriate to say: we should mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.
I get that in the midst of a trial or a tragedy, "comfort" feels like basically the least you can do. But trust me, it is so needed. You can't fix the problem, but you can sit with someone while they deal with it, and just not feeling alone is huge. Being able to hand someone your pain when it is so heavy and having them say I can take a little bit of this off your shoulders can change everything.
I know so much of how we deal with grief is cultural and I have to say... we're doing it all wrong. If you find yourself saying the words, "Let me know if I can do anything", you've made a wrong turn. I know that's the usual response. I know you actually do want to help. But those words are a really nice way to feel like you've helped, without actually ever helping.
"Do you need anything?" Yes:
Dinner. We all gotta eat fifty times a day (or is that just my kids?) so food is always a great go-to even if you're afraid you're just one in a train of many bringing food over. Do it anyway. Money. I know, it's an awkward one, but it's usually true. Gas cards. A clean house. Someone to mow the lawn. Child care. At the very least, a text checking in on how you're doing.
There is ALWAYS something you can do, but if you ask, most people won't tell you any of that. It's awkward, and we are a people who like to pick ourselves up by our own bootstraps, even though by very definiton that's impossible. So instead of asking, just do something. Show that you are there and willing to help and then maybe they'll feel safer asking for those little things that are so hard to ask for.
And finally, if someone shares with you the hard thing that they are struggling with, don't immediately start listing all the bad things that have ever happened to you, or even worse, to someone you know. We get it: life stinks sometimes. But those kind of conversations usually don't leave anyone feeling validated for their feelings. I try really hard not to be offended by those kinds of conversations because I know I've done the same thing a thousand times, but this is teaching me to be better. You learn so much more from listening than you ever will from talking, and sometimes, that little release is all someone needs.
I've had so many friends through this who I haven't even seen in person for months, but I know I can text them when I'm extra sad and they will listen and just be sad with me. I have people who check in even when they know it's usually bad news, and they haven't walked away yet. I am so, so grateful for those who have just stepped in and helped my family without question. Sometimes the weight of grief makes the whole world seem so much darker, and people who are willing to mourn with you are like a light in all that darkness.
Everyone you meet is going through something. Let's work to just be a little kinder and lift each other up.
