Other than my bangs, I made some pretty great decisions that day.
I had written this blog post months before, then never finished it and decided not to share it because I felt like I'm not saying anything new or unique, and I didn't want to come across all preachy.
Then today in church I was kind of suffering through the usual Sunday why-am-I-raising-my-kids-in-church-again? blues (you know- kids screaming, Cheerios flying in all directions, not hearing a word anyone at the pulpit is saying) I leaned over and asked Dayen if he wanted to go up and bear his testimony. To my surprise, he instantly said yes.
So of course, I had to kick myself for asking in the first place. But he did give a talk in Primary a few months ago and did a great job, so even though I knew there was a high chance that he would say something naughty into the microphone for the whole ward to hear, we went up there together.
Basically, he said a bunch of nonsense then whispered amen, after which I realized I probably had to bear my testimony too so I fumbled through something that probably made even less sense than his did. But as we were walking away, he grinned at me and said, "Can we try that again?"
Then I came home and saw this picture online:
And it just hit me how important this is. The decision I made to join the church ten years ago felt impossible then- I was facing so much opposition. I lost friends, I ripped apart my family relationships, and some days it feels like I did it all just so I can suffer through a sacrament meeting that I couldn't even listen to.
But that decision mattered. It causes a ripple effect through my family for all time. My decision will affect my posterity forever- and it especially affects my sweet little boys every day.
This is just still new for me.
Nursery, Primary, Young Womens, I never got to do any of it until I was an adult. And I think I've been waiting since my baptism to someday feel like less of a convert. But it's been ten years, and I'm starting to think I never will.
Because when you join the church in Utah, you're always just a little bit different.
So, here's the post you almost didn't get to read, some bits of knowledge I've picked up over my last decade in the church.
#1- For Members: Converts (probably) don't get the "Culture" of the Church
Case in point: I spent the first few years after my baptism standing in silence while people around me said the Young Women's theme I never learned, or talked about Trek (which sounded terrible- was this church trying to torture its members?) or Linger Longers, Visiting Teaching, having a beard at BYU, and on and on and on. You don't realize when you're immersed in it your whole life just how much about the church isn't doctrinal stuff that missionaries teach converts. I was confused, but it also made me feel like there was a line in the sand: like because I wasn't raised in the church, I would never actually be the same as the other members who had gone to Primary and been baptized at 8 years old.
When you're around a new convert, try to put yourself in their shoes and think about what you take for granted that they might not know. Right after I met Caleb, we were at a fireside where the opening hymn was "Praise to the Man." We were in a stadium full of people who all knew the lyrics... except for me. I was embarrassed, that line in the sand glaring in my face, when Caleb noticed and pulled out his phone, pulled up the lyrics to the song, and quietly handed it to me so I could sing too. It was simple, but it made a huge difference for me. (Obviously. I married the guy.)
#2- For Members: Agency
For sure, the biggest question I get asked whenever someone hears I'm a convert is, "So did anyone in your family join too?" And I get it, because that would make a really great talk in sacrament meeting, or one of those videos in between conference. I found the church, so slowly every nonmember I know should join too because I made it look so awesome.
That does happen, but more often than not in my experience, it doesn't.
Growing up even as a nonmember in Utah, I knew (or thought I knew) a lot about the church. It's not like any of my family members didn't know about it and I was introducing them to something new. But I did feel a lot of pressure right away, like because I believed it, I should be the one to convince everyone I love of the truthfulness of the gospel, too.
But it doesn't work that way, and I firmly believe it isn't supposed to. Sure, God may use you as an instrument to bring others to him. Yes, we should be examples, and live in a way that makes others wonder what is different about your life. And ok, we should all be missionaries. But, and I can't say this loud enough: It is not our job to make anyone join the church. That's why agency is so important. So on that note....
#3- For Nonmembers: We aren't trying to trick you into joining the church
This is touchy for me. Because I think me and every member of my family could give you a mile long list of the people who tried to get us to join the church growing up. And a lot of the time, it wasn't done in the most loving or appropriate way. I know they had the best intentions, but it was always hard as a kid to have someone be friendly, and then stop talking to me when I couldn't come to mutual with them.
So don't get me wrong, if anyone I love wanted to join the church, I would be the first to throw a party and arrange the lessons and drive you to church every week if you want. But that is never my intent. I respect your agency and right to choose for yourself, so I will never drag you to church, try to trick you into listening to my beliefs, or assume I already know what you believe.
#4- For Members: It's not about "Good" and "Bad"
I remember in High School, a girl found out I wasn't a member of the church and in shock she asked me, "So if you're not a member, why don't you drink and party and stuff?"
There's that line in the sand again, and here I come to destroy it.
Because I joined the church at 18, I feel like I can say that my morals came from my character, not from my religion. I never had any desire to drink. I lived the word of wisdom before I knew it. And lots of other people do, too. What's more, is a lot of my friends who were members of the church were the ones sneaking out to party.
So let me say this loud for the people in the back: Being a member of the church doesn't automatically make you "good", and not being a member doesn't make you "bad."
I have had several, let's call them Come to Jesus moments, with fellow members of the church about this, because for some, it is ingrained deep. For example, when I was called to Young Womens, one Sunday one of the other teachers was teaching about dating, and she casually asked, "So should we date people who aren't Mormon?" and the girls, like robots, responded, "Nope." And I had to jump in and say WAIT. That is not what we believe!
The For the Strength of Youth says about dating, "Choose to date only those who have high moral standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards. " That doesn't mean that a nonmember won't share your standards, and it doesn't mean that a member will. Even after we were 16, there were boys who said they couldn't date me in High School because I wasn't a member. One told me on the way into his house to meet his parents for the first time, "Oh by the way, I told them you were a member so they wouldn't kick you out."
It would have made such a difference to me if I had just been treated the way I deserved based on my actions rather than my religious affiliations. Especially at that age, when I couldn't choose to be baptized even if I wanted to.
So please, please, don't be the parent telling your kid they can't play with nonmembers. Tell them to find good friends and be kind- that is all that matters.
#5- For Nonmembers: Members don't always know the "Truth"
Here's something I loved instantly about this church: we are encouraged to seek out truth, to ask questions, and we are told we can receive personal revelation when we come to God with our questions.
And guys, I had a lot of questions.
But I also had an instant trust of anyone who was already a member of the church, especially when a lot of my friends were recently returned missionaries. I loved (and still love) talking about the gospel, delving deep into doctrine with anyone who would listen, but there were several occasions where someone said something that I was shocked by, and I thought, Does this church really believe that? Some of the things I heard were enough to make me want to leave the church, and many people do.
But that's why it's so great that we are encouraged to ask questions. I angrily asked others, even prayed to God about the things I had heard, and I gained more understanding, and even learned that some of the things were outright lies. Ten years later, there has never been anything I've learned that I haven't been able to find an answer to, and that is part of what helps my testimony grow every day.
#6- For Members: Other Churches are More Friendly
Before my baptism, I went to a lot of different churches, and although I did end up joining the Church of Jesus Christ, I hate to admit that I didn't join because the members were friendly. In fact, in my experience, they were the least friendly of all the churches I went to.
Sure, in Utah, many of the other churches were much smaller and more likely to notice a strange face. But every other church I went to, almost every person before or after church would come up and talk to us. As soon as the sermon is over, everyone jumps up to shake everyone's hand, even the people they see every week. I love and miss that kind of fellowshipping. A friendly hello goes a long way in making people feel welcome.
And I promise, you don't have to sit on the same bench every week. The world will not implode if you venture to the other side of the chapel. :)
#7- For Both: Ignorance
It's OK not to believe the same things as someone else. What's not OK is being ignorant about what someone else believes, especially if you want them to hear what you believe. Though I've felt that line in the sand at times, it also means I've had a foot in both worlds, and I have to say: I've seen it a lot and on both sides.
Going to different churches opened my eyes so much to the fact that we all believe a lot of the same things. As my kids get older, I really want to bring them to other churches to teach them what others believe. I took a religious studies class in college that was one of my favorite classes, because I find it fascinating all the different religions and the common threads that tie us all together.
But I have had more encounters than I could count with people telling me what I believe is wrong, people who quit talking to me when I joined the church, or who suddenly think I've lost my mind for joining. And on the other side, I've seen many members turn up their nose to something that comes from another church.
It's not about getting people to believe what we do. We don't need to argue our point to be heard, we need to listen and hear someone else's point of view.
Don't tell me what I believe is wrong. ASK ME what I believe. You might be surprised.
#8- For Members: Are you a Convert?
At the end of the day, that line in the sand really doesn't exist because of one important thing: we should ALL be converts. It doesn't matter if your parents dragged you to church every week, or if a missionary showed up at your door one day and introduced you to a doctrine you'd never heard before. At some point, we all have to choose whether we believe it, whether we're going to live it, whether our testimony has been carried all these years by someone else, or if it's our own.
