A Disney Princess

Guys, I've finally figured it out. After all these years of complaining, all this time spent trying to accomplish things and become someone I finally realized I am already right where I need to be. I am- are you ready for this?- a Disney Princess.
Now hear me out.
Like Ariel, I have a strange collection of things that seemingly have no purpose, but that I can't seem to get rid of. My basement bears a scary resemblance to her underwater trove of nonsense. (And ironically, our basement frequently floods, making the comparison even more real.) You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty. But who cares? NBD. I want more.
Also like Ariel, I frequently forget the names for common human things like feet and fire.
The most obvious resemblance is between Cinderella and I. We both live to clean and wait for the day a slipper made out of glass is actually comfortable. Glass? Come on.
Although with the cleaning thing I may be more like Snow White. I lived at home with my mother and never cleaned a day in my life, but the minute she chased me from the castle I had to find a shack to live in and clean up and hope that would be enough for the true owners to let me stay.
Like Merida, I have a sweet Scottish accent and killer aim with a bow and arrow. Ok, you caught me. I've never used a bow and arrow that wasn't Nerf brand. But I so wish.
Like Mulan, all it takes is one bad haircut with a blunt sword, a top bun, and a day with no makeup and the entire Chinese army doesn't question that I am a Man.
Belle and I obviously share the whole love of books thing, although I would never go so far as to marry a wolf-bear-mammoth hybrid just for his library.
Tiana and I have both had nasty bouts with salmonella. Mine came from cookie dough. Way more worth it.
When the wind blows, it's scary how close my long, ebony hair resembles that of Pocahontas. Seriously, pay attention next time we're in a hurricane or a topless car together. It's glorious.
Like Sleeping Beauty, I need my beauty sleep. I mean, this was kind of the most boring Disney movie ever, so forgive me if I know nothing about the plot.

As was my Princess duty, I of course married the Handsome Prince and am currently in the midst of the Happily Ever After.

And I spend a disproportionate amount of time cleaning up after my little dwarf, Happy.
And there is this wild animal that for some reason I let live in my house, and some days I have more conversations with him than any human.

And, like every good Disney Princess, I frequently break into song when you least expect it. All I need is for my tea pot to come to life and harmonize with me.

You have no idea how badly I wish I was kidding about any of these.

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