Also, let me just say that this post is NOT intended to scare anyone, or sway you towards anything you do or don't want to do. When I got my IUD placed right after Dayen was born, I made it a point not to read all the scary stories online. I trusted (and still do trust) my doctor, and didn't want any reason to convince myself something was wrong when it wasn't. Turns out, I'm one of the unfortunate few.
So, this week was pretty crazy. If you read the last post, you know we were feeling pretty watched over and blessed this week. But, apparently I am a major pessimist, because the more wonderful things that happened to us, the more I felt like something really bad was coming.
So on Tuesday, which also happened to be my birthday, I was in a lot of pain from my period. For me, this is kind of the norm. But as it got worse and worse, I finally sheepishly asked my nurse friend if I should be coming in to be seen. She said with an IUD it was probably smart, so we scheduled an appointment for the next day.
That night it got worse and worse, so of course I did a Google self-diagnosis. By the time my appointment came around, I was fairly certain I knew what was going on. I was prepared to ask for an antibiotic and be on my way.
But, guess what guys? I didn't go to medical school. And I was totally wrong. Luckily, my midwife Annie (who happens to be one of my favorite people in the world) is a lot smarter than me and figured we should check my IUD. I told her I was planning on getting it out soon, but not for a few more months. She assured me we could just check it and she would only take it out if she needed to.
So, with my 18 month old sitting on the table with me, I prepared for a two minute procedure. I figured, I birthed an almost 10 pound baby a year and a half ago. I *think* I can handle a simple IUD removal.
Annie told me the IUD wasn't where it was supposed to be, so she was going to pull it out. But when she tried to remove it, I was in immense pain and the IUD broke into pieces, with only a few pieces actually coming out.
My IUD, not really resembling an IUD anymore.
She tried for awhile, while I sat there yelling and wondering if I really still wanted to try to go natural with the next baby, and finally she decided to ask the doctor to come look at it. After spending the entire morning and afternoon at the office, calling my mom to come babysit, and getting a cervical block, the doctor tried to remove it. The pain was so bad I couldn't stand it, so we decided to remove it surgically instead.
After how bad it hurt, I was honestly really relieved to not have to be awake through it. I could deal with the recovery, but not all the pain during.
So, we scheduled surgery for the next day. All of that was fine until he mentioned that the IUD was so deeply embedded, that there was a chance he would have to do a hysterectomy if I started bleeding too badly. He assured me he would only do that if it saved my life, but still, it's not something you want to hear at 26 years old with only one child. (And a cute one, at that.)
The other scary thing was that there was a chance he wouldn't be able to remove the whole thing. That meant after going through surgery, I would be living with this pain every day. This is a 5 year IUD, so in another 4 years when the hormones wore off, there was a chance I could get pregnant. A chance.
Needless to say, I had sort of a rough afternoon. I was trying to remain positive, but it was a really scary thought that one day I had the possibility of more kids, and in 24 hours that possibility might be gone forever. I can't even begin to explain everything that was going on in my head all day. I thought of everything from what it would be like to adopt, to what it would be like if Dayen was our only child. I thought of who I would be if the identity of "mom" was stripped away from me like that. I thought of how Caleb would feel down the road if he couldn't have any more children because of me.
Like I said, it was a hard day.
My doctor, who is also really awesome, went over the possibilities with me, and then asked, "Are you LDS?" I told him I was, and he recommended that I get a blessing before my surgery. This, of course, made me cry even more.
But that night, that's what we did. We asked one of our friends to come over, and they were quick to run over and help. I told a couple people, just in case I would need the support the next day. And, basically, I felt sorry for myself. In the moment, I couldn't imagine a much worse trial to have to go through than losing the opportunity of having more children. Especially over something as silly as an IUD.
So that night, me and myself had to have a serious talk. After I was basically done with my pity party, after I was all cried out over what might happen, I asked myself, "Anndee. Will it really be the end of the world?" And instantly I knew: no, it wouldn't. It would be a challenge, for sure. It would be a loss. But I would still have everything I have now. My wonderful husband, my darling baby, our home and dog and this whole life that I have. So what if it didn't turn out the way I always wanted, even expected? Does losing the idea of something really take away from what you already have?
After the blessing, both Caleb and I were feeling a lot more peaceful. I expected the blessing to assure me that things would be fine, that I would definitely get to have more children. But it didn't. Caleb knew that was all I wanted to hear, and it was probably all he wanted to say, but he didn't. I remember feeling peace from the blessing, but also frustration that I couldn't be assured of this one thing that was making me so anxious and worried.
But I think I understand now: that isn't how the Lord works. When does he ever just give us exactly the answer we want, right when we ask for it? Where is the trial of our faith in that?
Everything with the surgery ended up going really well. They expected it to only take about 20 minutes and it ended up being over an hour. I was really grateful to be asleep for that. The recovery hasn't been the easiest, but I will say our fridge and stomachs are full of delicious food, there are beautiful flowers on my table and my child was taken care of the whole time, and I feel so lucky to have all you wonderful people in my life! Through my very short trial with this, I never felt alone, and I am so grateful to all of you for that.
After everything, I just can't help but feel grateful. I think all this time I've just been trying to control everything. I was so concerned about when we would have our children, how close in age they would all be and how I could basically plan out every moment of the rest of our lives. Now, I just feel grateful for the chance to have another one, whenever it happens. I think it's the same way with a lot of our trials. We are all flawed humans, and for some reason we never appreciate what we have until it's nearly taken from us.
But we have a lot. We all do. This experience has made me realize how many people I have fighting in my corner with me. It has made me realize that if this is all I ever had, if life never got any better than this, I could and would be happy. Because what I have is really amazing.
Not to mention totally adorable.
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