Well, January 4th. The internet and, let's face it, my brain, are officially bursting with resolutions and newfound determination to actually accomplish them this year. It's funny to me that we always insist on making resolutions, and then we forget half of them by the second week of January.
I usually make a few resolutions in my mind and then ruin them all by making a batch of delicious cookies that night, but last year I actually wrote a list in the back of my planner and then... well, completely forgot about it until I stumbled across it like a week ago. The funny thing is, most of the resolutions I had written down actually seemed pretty impossible a year ago. But as I read through them, I realized most of them came true!
Caleb able to quit Maddox by Christmas This was the best one- he quit in April, and every day I am so grateful for his new job and how hard he works!
Me- do Photography full-time January is definitely my slowest month, but I would say 2016 was by far my busiest year with Photography. I also started trying out videography (also on my resolution list) and started working for one of the best photographers I know!
Learn Sign Language This is cool because the only reason I made the resolution was because I was watching Switched at Birth at the time. I downloaded a few apps and tried to teach myself, but gave it up fairly quickly. Then, when I started school this Fall, I ended up taking an ASL course. I love it- it is so much harder than I thought, but this is one of the resolutions I accomplished that I am most proud of!
Start working on the basement Ok I'm not even ashamed to admit that this is never going to happen. But thanks for pretending, 2016 Anndee. Our house was built in 1930 and our basement is terrifying and full of spiders and basically beyond hope. That's ok. Some dreams are ok to let go.
School loans PAID OFF This is another one to be proud of- those things have been hanging over my head for years, and even though we "share" finances, I really wanted to be the one to pay them off. It took until November, but that still counts!!
So after finding that list, I thought maybe there is some secret magic to writing down your goals and I should do it again this year. The thing is, we have a lot of big goals we want to accomplish this year, but I can also think of ten thousand little ones. And I am the kind of person that if I need to do something, I want to do it right now so it's not haunting me forever. So for example, if I notice that I need to vacuum, I will do it within twelve seconds of noticing it. (That's my vacuum guarantee!) Or, if I make a resolution to, say, floss more, I will go floss right that second and then forget for the rest of the year.
That's gross but still mostly true.
Anyway, a lot of these little things I keep thinking of have to do with motherhood. But they feel less like little pushes to do or be better, and more like anvils of guilt falling on my head when I realize I'm not doing something absolutely perfect.
For example: I should start taking Dayen to story time at the library because I think he would really enjoy it. Turns into: I am a horrible mother for not taking him to story time in months, I never take him anywhere or do anything he would enjoy because I am selfish and horrible.
Or, just barely, I put Dayen in his pj's after dinner and he went straight over to his books, and I thought, "I should really make it a point to read him a story every night before bed." And instead of thinking what a fun tradition that will be, I suddenly feel the weight of the next several years worth of nights and I start thinking how it's impossible to read to him every night so I'm going to wind up failing and I feel the guilt of the failure before it's even happened.
But let me ask you something. Does this look like the face of a kid whose family is failing him on a daily basis?
I only share my craziness because I have this feeling I'm not alone. We all do it to ourselves, and we do it to each other. We demand perfection in motherhood, and it just isn't possible. So instead of just enjoying all these fun stages, every day I question if I am doing everything I can to help him grow up to be smart and strong and healthy and somehow still make him love me enough to visit all the time and never put me in a nursing home.
You want to know what's amazing? This sweet little boy loves to learn. I don't even have to try. He knows all his letters and their sounds, and he loves to sound out words in books. He knows colors and numbers and shapes, and even the silly things like animal sounds. And two seconds ago, I heard him standing up on his rocking chair (because the kid also loves danger) and without even turning around I told him to sit and he did. Cause we get each other. We spend all day every day together, and I'm over here still questioning if it's enough. I'm still making a mental list of all the ways I need to improve and do better.
Resolutions are great. I think we should always be improving. But sometimes, I think we need to cut ourselves some slack. Sometimes we need to give ourselves a pat on the back and say, "You have done enough. You have done all that is necessary and more. Sit down, play with some legos, and enjoy the reward."
Just promise me something? Don't let your resolutions be an excuse to beat yourself up.
You are enough. You're doing great. Just keep truckin' along.
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