It's 2019... and we are making this mom thing way too hard.
I know I should probably try to be inclusive and not offend the fathers out there, but in this case I really am just talking to the moms. Because to be honest, I don't think I've ever seen a dad post that he has had serious dad guilt from being sick all weekend and not spending enough time with his kids.
So, some hard truths that we never talk about during play dates (mostly because we're being constantly interrupted by screaming children) but that I feel I need to share in the hopes that someone else will stand up and say they are feeling this way too.
We're supposed to get this right the first time. So we go crazy. We do endless crafts, we read countless parenting books, we entertain them every moment of every day. Pinterest has made us throw elaborate birthday parties for a one year old who takes his nap right when family shows up to party. Social media makes us think our four year olds need to be in four different kinds of sports and we are massively failing if they aren't on a third grade reading level before they start Kindergarten. It's just too much, and it's so much more than other generations expected of themselves.
You will never. clock. out. I didn't get that. Because I was a nanny for 8 years before I had kids, so I thought I knew all there was to know about parenting, and I thought I'd be a great one. That was when I got off at 5:00. I have been on the clock for 4+ years now, and the worst part is, no one is paying me anymore. And while we're going with the work metaphor here, anytime your kid remotely misbehaves in public, or for a babysitter, or acts like anything other than the angel you've been desperately trying to raise them to be, it feels like you got a bad performance review for a job you haven't even clocked out of for 4 years.
We only see the places where we lack. We never celebrate the things that make us great moms. I love doing fun activities with my kids, but whenever I post one of them, I get a bunch of messages from fellow moms saying, "I wish I was as fun of a mom as you are" or "I never do stuff like that with my kids." Who cares? They'll be fine. You do a hundred things right that I'm getting wrong. Once in awhile, we have to give ourselves a pat on the back for even just keeping them alive this long.
Admit it: we're judging other moms. You can probably name several occasions where someone unfairly judged you as a mom, but if we're being honest, you can probably also name times you (at least in your own head) judged another mom. Internet trolls always immediately jump to the parents whenever a child is hurt- of course it's their fault. But we can't live in fear of what others are thinking of us, because finding your own path as a parent is hard enough without struggling blindly to follow someone elses.
Sometimes, kids are turds. Can we just admit that? I know, they're young and immature and there's a thousand psychological reasons and I was a turd as a kid too, but when I'm exhausted and starving and need a shower and my kid throws a tantrum because his graham cracker is broken, I just don't care about the rational reasons he's acting that way. I don't want to hear that I need to sit and hold his hand and show him how to be calm, or distract him with an elaborate art project. I want to hear someone admit that wow, living with kids is like living in an insane asylum. You're not the crazy one, they are.
We are raising kids in a different environment than ever. Even our own parents didn't have to worry about screen time and the dangers of the internet the way we do- so where do we turn for knowledge and advice? The internet. And while we're looking up all the dangers facing our children and how to be a perfect parent, we're spending too much time staring at our phones which is apparently ruining our kids forever anyway.
We are the most important, but we don't matter. Even while telling us that moms are the most important piece of the puzzle to have a functioning society, we're being told in the same breath that we shouldn't put ALL our eggs in this basket because one day our kids will grow up and move out and never call us and we'll have nothing left. It's like an artist spending their life on an oil painting they know they will someday burn. I've said it before: this is enough. It's OK if this is the most important thing you ever do. But it's also OK to hide in your room with a book once in awhile, or work on something just for you. You still matter.
You're not supposed to be resentful of this. Because you've watched your friends and family suffer through miscarriages or infertility, or maybe you went through it yourself, and you told yourself no matter what, you would never for a second resent becoming a mom. But then... you do. And you can't say that. You can't even think it without feeling like the biggest scum on the earth. But how can we expect ourselves to look at every bad day, every single trial of parenting day after day and just smile through it? Some days are just hard. Heck, some months are hard. The first year of Arie's life I think I lost half my brain cells from lack of sleep. It doesn't mean you don't love them, or love being a parent, to admit that this is the hardest job out there, and that sometimes, you wish you could go back to the person you were before you had kids.
We're supposed to do it all without a village. Back in the day, it wasn't just a saying- it literally took a village to raise a child. Everyone lived in close quarters and helped each other. One person in the village could be great at entertaining kids, while another was great at teaching patience, and it didn't all fall on one persons shoulders all day, every day. There's a reason I get lonely and stir crazy all day at home with two kids, a reason I have to sit with my husband and just talk to an adult to decompress. We were never meant to do this alone, but that's the way society is these days.
We go through this difficult challenge of parenting alone, while being judged by strangers everywhere we go, and watching everyone else's fake, perfect parenting wins online. We read the scary statistics about all the dangers and challenges facing our kids, and we go to bed every night with this enormous weight on our shoulders.
We have to cut ourselves some slack. We have to cut other moms some slack and not be so judgmental. We are all doing our very best, and look around: your kids are doing just fine, too. We are supposed to feel some joy as mothers, not just anxiety and guilt and fear. We are making this mom thing way too hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment