The Preview

           I am happy to announce that after 4 1/2 years, I am officially publishing another book!
           It still needs a lot of work, but I'm pretty proud of where I'm at so far and wanted to get my future fans excited about it too! So this is just a quick preview and a very rough draft for my new book, Parallel.
           Just a little background: Parallel is about a girl named Quenn who lives hundreds of years in the future after our government has collapsed. She has a big Husky dog named Ryka (yes, Dega inspired this one). The country she lives in is very different from what we know, but you'll have to read the whole book for those details. :) For this, all you need to know is that Quenn is on the run after her family has disappeared. Many people disappear mysteriously and ever since her last family member disappeared, some "officers" have been after Quenn. She has just found a safe hideout in the woods where people don't often venture.
             I set up our tent in the thick of some trees a few hundred yards away from the lake. I’d even gotten so comfortable there as to unpack some of our things and build a firepit where we could sit and keep warm at night. It kept away the mosquitos which could bring dangerous diseases, and it made me feel safer, or at least more relaxed. I remember my mother telling me that before the collapse of the government and the wars, people used to go places like this and stay in tents the way I was doing and consider it a vacation. I couldn’t understand why that would be appealing, but some nights by the fire as I felt the stress of the day slowly melting away, I understood. Even if it’s worse than your current circumstances, sometimes you just have to get away.
I woke up one morning and started to feel that strange tingling you get when something is wrong. I ignored it, too comfortable in our cozy new home, too unwilling to give it up. All day the feeling lasted, until finally it happened.
                It was the middle of the night, and I was half-asleep next to Ryka in the tent, my ears strained for anything abnormal. I was ready at any moment to fight, to save myself. I awoke to the sound of footsteps, of twigs breaking under heavy feet. Ryka jumped up immediately, her snore turning gracefully into a low, menacing growl. I slowly scooted out of my sleeping bag and grabbed the knife I kept next to me at all times. The hair on the back of my neck was standing on end, and my heart was pounding in my ears. For several minutes, there was nothing but silence. I started to wonder if I was hearing things, psyching myself out. Even Ryka seemed to relax. Then, out of nowhere, I smelled smoke.
                Ryka ran frantically to the edge of the tent, which was now billowing with thick black smoke. The tent filled quickly with its minimal ventilation, and soon I couldn’t see my hands right in front of my face. I choked, trying not to breathe too deeply, grasping for the door to the tent.
                The material of the tent went up quickly in the flames. I finally found the zipper and pulled hard, but it wouldn’t open. It was as if it had been locked from the outside.
Pieces of hot plastic began to rain down on us, melting to my skin. My lungs burning, I started slashing at the tent frantically with my knife. I finally ripped open a hole big enough to fit through, and I tumbled out onto the cool dirt. Ryka appeared seconds later, looking scared and confused. We both lay on the dirt a few feet from our tent, and now the entire night was filled with the light of the flames. The heat and noise made it hard to see if there was anyone around, but there must have been. Just as I started to pull myself to my feet, I felt a stabbing pain in my back that dropped me to my knees. Ryka ran to my side, concerned, then tensed suddenly to stare at something behind me. I saw her muscles tense, then saw her leap at something I could not see. I could barely think, the pain was so excruciating. It seemed to be coming from inside me, radiating throughout my body. I heard Ryka make contact with something large. There was a grunt and lots of growling before I heard Ryka yelp in pain. Strangely, as soon as her pain seemed to have started, mine immediately ceased.
                My veins coursing with adrenaline, I searched on my hands and knees for the knife in the tall grass around me. Finally feeling something metal, I grasped the object. The sharp part of the knife cut my hand, but I refused to let go. I turned to see a large officer in a black uniform standing over me. In his hand was a small black box. It was simple, with only one button and a flashing red light. He looked me right in the eyes, his face covered, and pressed the button. The device was aimed at my leg, and I felt a sudden pain emerge from just where he was pointing it. It was as if a million invisible knives came from the device and devoured me from the inside out.
                I felt my brain shutting down from the pain, my body growing weak. The officer knew it too, and he came closer to me, bending down as if to pick me up. I wanted to let him, to just lie there until I fell into the darkness where pain couldn’t exist. But my brain was screaming, No, no! You can’t disappear too! I somehow knew if I gave in in those few moments, I would be gone forever.
                Summoning all my strength despite the intense pain, I seized the handle of the knife and lunged at the man. He backed up just in time, looking surprised and missing the blade of my knife by mere inches.
                “Not so fast,” he said, his voice low and rumbling. “there’s someone waiting for you.” Something in the back of my mind lit up. Someone was waiting for me? My family? If I gave in, would he take me to my family, to Leto?
                The more logical part of my brain took over. It sounded great, but it didn’t make sense. Why take me by force? Why all the secrecy? And if my dad knew the truth, why would he spend so much time teaching me to hide, to fight, to live? Why not just let me give in?
                Of course, I thought, the easiest thing of all would have been to just tell me the truth. If he had just told me what he knew, I could protect myself much better.
                Before I could act, the officer had knocked me on my back. The force of the blow knocked the air out of my lungs, and both my back and leg were tingling in pain, as if I had been stabbed and the knife was left there. He practically fell on top of me, pulling out handcuffs and seizing my wrists. He was huge, only needing one hand to pin both mine down, but he couldn’t do that if I kept them far enough apart. I flailed my arms and legs like crazy, hoping to frustrate him to the point that he lost focus. Suddenly, he was thrown off me, and the weight on my abdomen was lifted. I took a huge breath, filling my lungs, and turned to see Ryka had tackled the officer down yet again. She was big and powerful, and it helped that most people in our world weren’t familiar with pets. A big beast like Ryka probably scared him more than I ever could.
                I wondered, briefly, why he hadn’t hit Ryka with his strange weapon, but then noticed it lying just a few feet from me. Ryka was biting at the officer, but his right arm was free, and he reached into the holster of his belt loop and pulled out a small black gun.
                “No!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran as fast as I could, pushing Ryka with all my might. It was as if the world moved in slow motion, I couldn’t get there fast enough. I heard the bullet click into the barrel. I saw, as if it were the only thing in the world, his finger bearing down on the trigger. Just as I dove on top of the two of them, pushing Ryka aside, the gun went off.
                I felt a searing pain in my left arm, and the world started spinning. I could see blood running down my arm and into my lap, but it didn’t make much sense. Where was all that blood coming from? I felt light headed and nauseous, but no pain. I just wanted to lie down and sleep, to wake up again in my tent and discover this had all been a dream.
                Ryka was at my side, alternating between whimpering at me and growling at the officer. He seemed taken aback that he had inadvertently shot me instead of my dog. Did that mean he had never intended to kill me?
                Just as I thought this, he bore down on me again, this time with the device back in his hand. He didn’t care that I was hurt, his one and only job was to take me, and he was going to do it.
                I forced my eyes to stay open, forced myself to stay awake. I let him click the handcuff across my left wrist, where my whole arm felt too numb to move. As he went for my right wrist, I squeezed the blade of the knife in my fingers. It was still there, good.
                In one swift motion, I swung my arm up to meet his chest, which hovered just above me. If the officer wore some sort of protective armor, I had found the weak spot. The knife sunk in deep, and I heard him gasp in surprise. He fell right on top of me, pushing the blade deeper into his chest. It didn’t matter, he was already dead.

                I pushed him off me using my good arm, and the force of the effort nearly knocked me out cold. I could still smell smoke, could still see the fire glowing several yards away from me, before everything went dark.

Self Esteem

I've written a lot about girls: the way we dress, the way we act, the way we treat each other. But there is something even more important that I never thought to write about until now: the way we treat ourselves. Because, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can count on one hand the number of women I know who don't have some issue with their self-esteem.
I never realized it until I got married.
I knew I wasn't the kind of girl who thought she was the greatest thing around, because those girls drove me crazy. I would watch them, wide-eyed, as they demanded attention from everyone. Those girls said things like, "My hair looks great today" and "I am really good at ____". I just wasn't that way. I thought that was being conceited. I didn't realize that I could have used a huge dose of that kind of self-esteem.
When I got married, my husband started to notice my poor self esteem in a way I never had. I told him "funny" stories about some of the boys I dated in high school and the way they treated me. He watched my interactions with some of my friends, the way I got nervous before I was with them and how all I cared about were my looks. And one day he asked me, as gently as he could, "Did you just not have any self-esteem?"
It had honestly never occurred to me before. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. A lot of the problems I had in all my relationships, whether with boys or with friends or with family, really came back to me not feeling that I was worth much.
I knew the things I was good at. I knew that I had friends, that I was generally well-liked. Yet, those weren't the things I ever focused on. Instead, I thought about the people who had been unkind to me. I thought about every negative comment I'd ever heard about myself. The comments about my looks, my intelligence, anything negative I ever heard or even assumed someone thought about me slowly knocked down my self-esteem to nothing. I spent way too long in front of a mirror worrying about what I was wearing or if my makeup was perfect. I didn't enjoy my time with my friends, because we were all doing the same things: sucking in our stomachs, putting on lipgloss, fixing our hair, counting down the minutes until we could go home and relax.
I wasn't myself.
Myself was hidden somewhere deep inside, somewhere where people couldn't find it and hurt it. I left only the superficial things out in the open. I was careful who I shared personal things with, because I learned that most people didn't care. 

Once I realized all of this was going on, I started to notice it all around me. In the way we act defensively towards each other, the way we always assume someone is mad at us or doesn't like us. The way we write people off, and get angry about trivial things. The way we keep our friendships light and superficial, never letting anyone get too close. I know, it sounds like a bad Nicholas Sparks novel, but a lot of us are living it every day. We don't give ourselves nearly enough credit for being the wonderful people that we are.
So I decided I had to do just that. I had to give myself credit.
The first thing I thought of was writing. Writing is the one thing that I know with any certainty I can do well. Ever since I published A Place Like Heaven (this is me and my mom at my first book signing!) I slowly lost that confidence. People, well meaning people I'm sure, told me all the things I should have done differently. Rather than announcing from the rooftops that I was 18 years old and had a published book, I would get embarrassed whenever anyone asked me about it. What's worse, I would start apologizing. "Don't read it! I don't even like it, there is so much I would change."
Which is exactly why it's taken me 5 years to get this far with a novel again. And this time, no apologies. I am a good writer, and I will be proud of what I do.
For years I have had a passion for Photography. I still get apologetic about this one, because these days everyone and their dogs is a photographer, so it's lost all it's clout. It's not a "special" hobby to have. I'm not a real photographer. 
Except that I am.
It's an art form, so I really can't be doing it wrong. And what's more, I love it. So who cares if a whole bunch of other people do too?
I'm good with kids. I've been a nanny for years, and I'm planning on finishing school so I can be a teacher. I love working with kids and it's something I've been doing since I was a kid myself!

But do you see what I mean? Even the things I know I'm good at, I doubt because someone, once upon a time, might have told me that I wasn't as good at it as I thought. I wish we could all have the confidence we had as kids, knowing that we could grow up to do anything we wanted, encouraging each other on the way because it's so much better if our friends make it to the top, too.
I don't know why it happens this way, just that it seems to be a mass epidemic, and it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to look around and see the people that I love not seeing themselves as amazing as they really are. It's sad to think of your kids growing up to be shy and careful with people because they don't want to be cut down. It's frustrating to think of things that I put up with in the past just because I thought that I deserved it.
I wish I could tell you I had some secret formula to fix it. The truth is, once your confidence gets broken down, it's hard to build back up. So all I can say is, be extra careful not to be the person breaking down someone elses self-esteem. Let's do all we can to build each other up. Because, honestly, it's the people around me that give me my self-esteem. Not my talents, not my religion, not some mantra I chant in the bathroom mirror every morning to convince myself I'm great. It's my family and friends and the people I interact with every day that make me see myself the way I do.

So be extra choosy about who you have in your life.
Make a list of the reasons why you're awesome, and look at it when you notice you're beating yourself down.
Look for the good in others, and I promise you'll start to see it in yourself, too.






Dega and the 7 Deadly Sins

It's no secret that I think my dog is, like, really awesome. 


He's the only dog I know of who can turn on and off lights, and he instantly loves everyone he meets. (Sooo kind of a terrible guard dog, but not the point I'm trying to make here.)
I've tried to keep it a secret from all of you, but it's time the truth came out: he is far from perfect. In fact, as I thought it over, I realized Dega encapsulates every one of the 7 deadly sins. A wild claim to make, I know, but I'll prove it.
Pride
Excessive belief in one's own abilities
Sometimes, being around Dega is like being around a celebrity. I once had to run in the grocery store and decided he'd be ok in the car alone for a minute or two. When I came back out, there were people standing around the car just staring at him. We've taken him on walks and had people stop their cars and yell, "What a beautiful dog!" If we go to a drive through, the people always ooh and ahh over him and completely ignore us. What's worse, is the manager at Arby's once gave him some roast beef, so now he thinks every drive through window is there to serve him.
Yes, Dega is awesome, but all the attention has really gone to his head. Nobody ever really liked the kid in school that walked around like they were the coolest thing ever. (Sorry to shatter your illusions, kids that did that.)

Envy
The desire for others traits, status, abilities, or situation

It doesn't matter what you're doing, Dega wants to be doing it too. You're washing the dishes? Well Dega wants to lick up all the water. You're laying on the left side of the couch? Ooh, this is awkward, but that's exactly where Dega was going to lay. You're eating a tuna sandwich? Dega's never had one, but he definitely wants one now. He is always envious of us because I'm pretty sure he has yet to realize he's not a human.
What's worse is his obsession with sticks. Give him a stick and he will be completely content, which is fine until you try planting a rose bush (which, as a start, is basically a big stick) and he rips it right out of the ground and runs away with it. THREE. DIFFERENT. TIMES. 

Gluttony
an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires

The other day, we got Dega a new kind of dog food. We thought he was having an allergic reaction to his old one, so we found a new kind and were slowly mixing it in to his old food. Dega was intrigued and fascinated by the new food. I don't know if it really tasted that much better or if he could honestly even tell a difference, but for some reason he couldn't leave the food alone. He's always left the old food alone and only eaten what we've given him, although he lets us know that he thinks we're starving him to death.
Well, the other night, he got his revenge. When we weren't looking, he snuck away and buried his face in that giant, full bag of dog food. He ate to his heart's content. I imagine at some point he started to feel a little full and thought hmm, this is still great! Then it really started to hit him, but he didn't stop there.
I will spare you the gory details of exactly how much he threw up that night. Let's just say he's gluttonous and leave it at that.


Lust
a craving for the pleasures of the body


People warn you that having a baby will change your life. Your life isn't your own any more, and instead revolves completely around the wants and needs of that child.
Why oh why do we not warn prospective dog owners that when you get a dog, your free time is no longer your own? Your dog may not be able to speak, but they absolutely know when you have the time and ability to be petting them and are failing to do so. Dega doesn't just want you to pet him, he demands it. 

Wrath
opting for fury rather than love

Dega isn't much of a barker. If someone comes to the door, he doesn't bark at it, he just sits there all excited and ready to maul them. However, if you make him mad, you will get an earful. Sometimes he'll jump up on the couch and stand right in the way of the TV, and when you finally push him off he'll stand there and bark at you forever. You don't mess with him.
(as a side note, I was going to do something here about how he opts for furry rather than love, but then I realized how serious this is and I stopped messing around.)

Greed
the desire for material wealth or gain
Not only does Dega need every toy on the planet, but he also destroys them in two seconds flat. It didn't matter how expensive the toy or how thick the material, it was gone in a matter of minutes. Then, he'd look at us really sadly, like it was our fault he destroyed it. The nerve.
He used to get squeaky toys until we realized how obnoxious they were, so now he has exactly 2 toys, both of which live their lives under the couches because they roll under there within minutes of retrieving them. If we watch an old video of him playing with toys that have long since passed on, he sits and watches it and cries. It's heartbreaking but seriously... the nerve.


Sloth
the avoidance of physical or spiritual work
Finally, not only does Dega take frequent naps and show troubling signs of laziness, he also gets very upset when we put him in his kennel every Sunday so we can go to church. I think that speaks for itself.

I wish every day that I had the patience the Dega has. I wish I could be even half as loving or selfless as he is, and even he clearly possesses the worst traits each of us can have. If you've been feeling down, go easy on yourself. Even the best among us aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean we aren't completely wonderful and lovable. 



Friends

I hate to admit this, but it's been awhile, so I'm going to...
Growing up, I had two imaginary friends.
I don't know how everyone elses imaginary friends start, because the name imaginary sort of implies you built them from scratch in your own mind. But mine began with a tragic story. Queue flashback...
I am the youngest of 4 kids, the only girl, with the closest sibling still being 5 years older than me. It was a lonely life. I remember begging my mom to play dollhouse with me, and whenever she was too busy, I'd run to my room yelling, "You're going to regret this one day when I grow up!" And you know what? She did.

One day I had been dragged along to one of my brothers Junior Jazz basketball games. As if sports weren't boring enough, I was supposed to sit on those bleachers and patiently watch ten year old boys chase a ball around. No thanks. If my 23 year old self can't handle that, you best bet my 5 year old self wasn't all over it.
Then, like angels appearing from heaven itself, I saw them: two little girls, about my age, playing just a few rows above us in the bleachers. And they were having so much fun together. Oh, what joy it must have been to have a sister! I made my decision then and there: I WAS going to be friends with those girls.
Unfortunately, I was a pretty shy little girl (when I wasn't threatening my mom for her neglect) so I knew I couldn't just go up there by myself. The obvious answer was to be escorted by my mom. Sadly, she wasn't having it.
"Please go with me so I can play with those girls!"
"No."
"You can play with their mom!"
"No." (Because SHE had sisters. SHE didn't need any more friends.)
"Please! I'll eat tacos and not even cry!"
"No you won't. Sit down and watch the game." Game? Was this supposed to be entertaining?
I'd like to say I summoned all my 5 year old courage, walked up to those girls, and we became lifelong friends. But sadly, that is not the case. Instead, I spent the rest of the game whining in my mother's ear to no avail.
However, there is an upside to the story, (sorta?) because those two girls became my new imaginary friends. The younger one, the brunette with the short pigtails, was named Noel, because that is what all my dolls were named and I'm pretty sure I didn't know any other names. Her big sister, with the long blond pigtails (I think I only knew one hairstyle too) was, obviously, named Biggie.
Biggie and Noel went everywhere with me. When my mom didn't want to play dollhouse with me, no problem! I no longer felt the need to guilt trip her, because I had two best friends to play with me! They were fun, they always wanted to do what I wanted to do, and they went home the second I was tired of them. It was a dream.
Finally, I grew up and got more friends. My cousin Allie moved closer, and she didn't have a sister either so we'd pretend to be each others sisters while we made perfume out of rose petals (doesn't work, by the way) and gave each other gel pen tattoos. I started school and made even more friends, and even though they weren't perfect, we had a lot of fun times together.

Now, flash forward a few years, and I meet my husband Caleb. Caleb has a lot of good friends, but he has 3 best friends in particular, and they have been friends since Elementary School. They are what everyone wants but what, for some reason, boys only ever seem to find.

What is with us girls? Why can't we form lifelong friendships too? Is it just me? Did Biggie and Noel give me unrealistic expectations for my friendships?
Throughout school, it seemed like most of my friendships changed on a yearly basis, depending on who was in my class and who liked the same things I liked.
But the worst part was I never seemed to deal with it very well.
I was always the friend who tried desperately to keep in touch with all my old friends. I'd send them a text with a little inside joke to remind them of the good old days. I'd do everything I could to stay friends with them, and then I'd get frustrated when the courtesy wasn't returned. I always stuck dutifully to the mantra Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other Gold.
Isn't that beautiful? Sniff, sniff.

There's a flaw with that mantra, and it's this: we are human. We are imperfect, and we change. Sometimes, more often than not, we grow in separate directions. And when that happens, it's ok to let go. It's ok to drop that small thread of friendship you've been clinging to for reasons you forgot years ago. It doesn't mean you have to ignore each other if you ever happen to bump into each other, it just means you don't have to force something that isn't there anymore.

I finally realized I was really getting myself down about friendships that had deteriorated over the years, so much so that I wasn't appreciating the wonderful friendships I have in my life today. Friendships with people who I have things in common with, people who I can see all the time and who make an effort to keep up our friendship on their end too.
We can't all have friendships like Caleb did, although if I'm honest, I do have friends I've had since Elementary school that I hope I'll always be in touch with, even if we go years in between seeing each other. The important thing is that you're honest with yourself about what you want, and what you deserve in your friendships. If I had never let go of Biggie and Noel, I would be the weirdo walking around talking to her two invisible friends, still bitter about not having a sister.
Ok, I'm still a little bitter about the sister thing. 
But the friends? I can safely say where I stand today... I've won the jackpot.


#sorrynotsorry

Can we just talk about the Hashtag for a minute?


Seriously. I know this is a tough topic for everyone, considering we are all so distinctly on one side or another. (The sides, of course, being absolute hatred of the hashtag and/
or utter bewilderment and confusion, and adoring the hashtag to the extent that it's starting to take over your life.) This may be hard to hear, but you know me... I like to deal with the difficult issues. If you find yourself falling into the latter category, please: consider this your hashtag intervention.

I remember a time when a simple # was the symbol for number and nothing more. Now, we say number to acknowledge a wide variety of things. It's sort of the virtual version of not shutting up. Where once we could post a picture with a simple caption My sister and I on Spring Break! we now feel the need to follow that information up with every possible question someone could ask about the picture. Wait, did you say Spring Break? #SpringBreak I'm confused, Spring Break of what year? #2014yo HOLD UP I thought you were a natural brunette? #RockinTheBlond But...but...what is that body of water behind you....? #ocean And those winged creatures? #birds And what did you have for lunch that day? #Justatepizza #sofull #hatemyself 
We have Twitter to blame, but I say more power to 'em for coming up with something new. I mean, congratulations. It really caught on. The problem wasn't when people were hashtagging on Twitter... the problem was when it started to invade all other social media, where it didn't even work, and in turn the rest of our lives.
You know how people like to write on the freeway overpass with cups? Welcome Home Elder So and So, I love you Blah Blah, etc? Well, I kid you not, I have seen some of those with HASHTAGS. AND SIDEWAYS SMILEYS! :) <--- Are people really not aware that the sideways smiley is a thing because it's all we used to be able to do on computers? Am I the only one who remembers when all you could do on your computer was play Minesweeper and draw one of these bad boys on Paint?

My point being, why oh why could you not do a regular, right-side-up smiley face in the real world?
See, there's a problem with hashtags that goes far beyond my sheer annoyance with them, and it is this: it opens up a whole new world of communication, while also leaving us completely limited with what we can do with it. Which is why I propose OtherTags: tags we can use in social media and OF COURSE real life in order to more effectively communicate:

* The Sarcasm Tag: Used to convey sarcasm in any statement. Ex: *GoodGoingHotShot. This one is particularly useful for people like me, who use sarcasm about as often as not, and have felt the pain of people  not fully grasping your sarcastic ways.

% The Drama Tag: Used to convey intensity and drama in your posts. Ex: %MYLIFEISOVER. This one will be extremely useful for all the people begging for attention. Wait, what? I didn't say that.

$ The Poor Tag: Used to accept donations from friends. $BringOnTheMoney, I'm broke.

! The Warning Tag: Used to warn others that your posts sole intention was to cause conflict among your Facebook friends. Ex: !GirlsCan'tPlaySports. This way, I can avoid reading the next 25 responses of arguments because let's face it, once you start reading them, you can't look away.

And feel free to use these new OtherTags simultaneously, and alongside the hashtag. For example, rather than just telling us all that you went to the gym, tell us with some flair! #GymminItUp *I'mSObuff !MyMusclesAreBiggerThanYours%

I say if we're gonna do this Hashtag thing, let's do it right.

But really, people. Haven't you ever looked at a picture of your mom in the 70's and laughed at her hair and shirt and wallpaper and shag carpet? Don't you think, someday, your kids will be looking you up online and see all your obnoxious posts with all the unnecessary hashtags and think the same thing you did about your mom's Farrah Fawcett hairstyle? Are we going to let hashtags become our own personal shag carpet?

The hashtag is like our money: the only thing backing it is our belief that it means something. Maybe it's the writer in me, but I couldn't stay silent any longer. Use full sentences. You weren't raised in a barn.

#jkguys
#nobigdeal
#i'mnotthebossofyou
#butseehowunintelligentthislooks
#srsly

The Fallacy of Newlywed...ness

    The other day, I was telling someone some story about Caleb and I, and they laughed and rolled their eyes and said, "Oh, you two are obviously still newlyweds." It made me stop and think because for one, no we're not. And for another, this person was shocked that Caleb and I are so nice to each other. That, obviously, is something that will go away with time. When we're done being newlyweds, and on to truly despising eachother, as we should be.
    I posted a link to this blog post the other day because it was something I've been wanting to write about, but of course he just says it so much better than I ever could. It basically just talks about how we all have this idea that men should respect their wives, but it doesn't work the other way around. I remember right after we got married, a lot of people asking Caleb, "So has she left you yet?" "Has she gone running home to her Mom yet?" Or some other equally insulting variation of that. Even though they were clearly kidding, it was a little bit strange that so many people asked him, yet nobody joked about that with me. Because, see, as the wife, when I got married I became burdened by this goofy, lazy oaf of a man who does nothing but drive me crazy as I cook for him and clean up after him and work hard so he can sit on the couch and watch the game.
I don't know how this started, but I'd say sitcoms are a safe bet.


According to TV, husbands are lazy and useless, and do nothing but sit around and drink beer all day. But that's ok, because this husband is married to a wife who is profoundly more intelligent than he is. She is left to micromanage every aspect of his life: his hobbies, his friendships, his career. When he inevitably messes things up like the big buffoon that he is, she steps in and makes everything better, and it's all just so darn entertaining.
    I hate to get on my soap box over something so trivial, but I can't help but feel a little bit offended for my husband, for husbands everywhere. What's worse, is it doesn't stay on TV. When we are bombarded with these images, we tend to become them. I can't tell you how many men I've seen fall into that role simply because they felt that's who they were supposed to become. Or how many women I've seen belittle their husbands with no regard for their feelings because they feel embarrassed by every little thing they do. I have all too often heard people say their husband is just like another one of their children.
     (Sidenote: I saw a meme about this on Pinterest the other day, so I was searching for the picture and accidentally stumbled across an article titled: "10 Reasons Your Husband is Just Another Child." It was full of such gems as "He gets hungry on long car rides and you have to give him snacks from your purse." and "You have to remind him where things go in the kitchen." Thank you for proving my point, Google.)

   We have to change our way of thinking. How is it ok that we demand respect from men, but don't feel any reason we should have to give it in return? 
   That was just my little segue into the other issue the comment mentioned earlier made me think about: this fallacy of being "newlyweds" or in the "honeymoon stage" of your relationship. I won't say it doesn't exist: being newlyweds is obviously very different than when you've been married a year, or five, or twenty. But that's only because of the newness. You appreciate each other more. You notice the little things in everyday more, the things that slowly go away or seem less important as you fall into a routine together.
Caleb and I love are a little bit obsessed with How I Met Your Mother.




    In one of the early episodes, Lily is upset because she's afraid she and Marshall have run out of "firsts." They've been together for years, and a lot of the newness is gone. I have to say, I would have been jumping up and down and cheering at this point. Maybe I'm weird, but man do I hate that newness. I hate first dates, I hate feeling uncomfortable or not myself. And man I hate getting dressed up everytime, worrying he'll come over early and see you without makeup, worrying you'll accidentally burp if you drink soda, accidentally burping when you drink soda. (Nooo, I'm not speaking from experience here. What?) I much prefer the closeness that comes with a long relationship. I can truthfully say Caleb is my best friend, and I'd take that over a first kiss with someone any day. 
   Still, I have felt the way Lily did myself from time to time. Not necessarily wanting a brand-new relationship all over again, but also wanting to avoid becoming an old couple that doesn't like each other anymore. Yes, I've felt like there was no in between. But then I realized something.
  When you're with someone long enough, your relationship is bound to change. But rather than focusing on the ways you've grown apart, why not focus on the ways you've grown together? Sure, you might fall asleep at night with a foot and a half of space between you, but before you fell asleep did you stay up late talking about your day? Do you dream about your life together, your shared goals? Do you congratulate each other on wins, and console each other during losses?

  I was blissfully in love the day we got married, but I had no idea what was in store for us. All I knew was we were both in it for the long haul, I had finally found someone I could spend forever with, someone who would love me unconditionally, through thick and thin. I thought I understood that. I was ready to commit, promise I'd be there for him too. But our first year of marriage really put it into action. It's one thing to say you'll love someone unconditionally, it's another thing to really love someone unconditionally. We went through so many ups and downs our first year of marriage. We disagreed about things. I got upset about dirty dishes. We stayed up too late and were too tired the next day. We did big things too: we bought our first home. We got a puppy. I got a new job. We lost a baby. All those things did so much more than bond us. They knit us slowly together into the family we agreed to become the day we got married.
  It's not going to be easy. You're going to drive each other crazy sometimes. But you don't have to get rid of all that "newlywed"-ness. You don't have to talk down to your husband just because he's your husband and you can. He doesn't have to spend all day in front of the TV just because you expect it. You don't have to become the couples you see every day on TV who treat each other badly and don't have an ounce of respect between them. Those couples are a dime a dozen. Instead, treat each other the way you did on your wedding day. Speak kindly. Hug them for no reason. Treat them like they are the greatest gift you've ever been given, not some burden weighing you down.
  You don't have to be a newlywed to act like one. And don't let anybody tell you that you should wish you were one again: all the ups and downs you've been through together since then are so much more bonding than that feeling ever was.



Why You're Never Going to be Happy

We girls do this weird thing to ourselves where we pick a person, or a few people, and compare every flaw of ours to every perfection of theirs.
Think you're not guilty of this? What about the last time you sat on Facebook, scrolling through someone's pictures, wondering why her hair is always so perfect, or why her kids seem so well behaved, or why her life seems so awesome.
For me, it was a girl my friends and I idolized for the last few years. She has really successful business with her husband, and is just all around awesome. We would watch all her pictures and videos and say, "Why can't we be like her?" She posted a picture the other day of her, skinny as a pole with a perfect round baby bump, standing on a balcony in LA. Everything about the picture made me envious. She was skinny, she was pregnant, she was in LA. But there was more, of course. It looked early in the morning, and she was already ready, so clearly she was more of a morning person than me. She could afford to just go to LA on a whim. Her clothes were cute. She was perfect, and I was, in every possible way, failing to reach the potential perfectness that she has already accomplished.
My friends in High School did the same thing with this older girl who was also from Brigham. Apparently when she graduated, she did everything right, became as perfect as can be, and an idol for us younger girls. I never really understood the obsession. Whenever they'd go off on the cute way she dressed or how handsome her husband was, I just sat there confused as to why she had become the goal we were all trying to reach.
The problem with this thinking, especially nowadays, is that we're comparing apples to oranges. Not even that, we're comparing apples to raccoons. Our real lives are not and will not ever be like someones fake instagram life.
Facebook and Instagram have become like a strange form of bullying among girls. We post pictures and statuses of only the best, most perfect moments of our lives. We look amazing and happy in the pictures, we're surrounded by friends and loved ones, our houses are perfectly clean and even though it's 2:00 on a Wednesday, none of us have jobs tying us down. We don't discuss financial troubles or marital problems or any problems, for that matter. And without even realizing it, we are setting completely unrealistic goals for the girls who are looking to us, wondering why they can't reach what we've reached.
It's absurd. No one is perfect. Do you really know anyone in your real life who is completely perfect in every way? Someone that you would trade everything you are to be like them? Once we get close enough to people, we see that things aren't nearly as perfect as they seem online.
After I saw that picture in LA, I realized I spent the next twenty minutes or so beating myself up about where I was at in life, and wishing I had half the things she had. But then I realized how crazy I was being. This was a girl I've never even met. I thought I knew her through her posts and pictures, but that's impossible. I was already planning ways to be more like her, and all that could do was set me up to inevitably fall short, feel worse about myself, and spiral down into the abyss of "I'm not and will not ever be good enough."
So instead, let's look at the facts. There are a lot of things I'm good at, and I honestly and truly love my life. Instead of looking at someone else as my twisted, distorted, online role model, why don't I look to myself and try to see myself the way others see me, online at least? What are the good things that I have to offer, the things that people are desperately hoping to find that I've already accomplished?
Better yet, why don't I find a real-life, living and breathing role model? If you absolutely have to compare yourself to someone, compare yourself to someones real life. Instagram is like People magazine. It gives us a glimpse into someones life without showing the real picture. Just like a practiced celebrity isn't going to go to the store without her cutest shorts and sunglasses on, so are the instagrammers of our lives not going to snap a picture until they look absolutely perfect.
I'm sorry to break the illusion that we've all been carefully putting together online, but I've seen it more and more lately among my friends and among myself, and it has to stop. It leads to a road of self-destruction and self-loathing. I'm not suggesting that we never try to better ourselves, just that we start living in reality instead of solely online.