A View from the Outside

Two weeks ago marked 5 years since my baptism. It's made me reflect a lot on my life before and since my baptism. Because growing up in a small town in Utah as the minority isn't easy. And it isn't the church that makes it that way, it's the members.
I've always been grateful to have been raised the way I was. I was given a unique opportunity to choose exactly what I believed, if anything. I think, even after becoming a member, it's given me a different perspective. Maybe I'm a little too sensitive, still, about some of the things that are said.
For example, a well-meaning Primary teacher asking all the kids to promise they will get married in the temple. Telling them if someone comes along who can't take them to the temple, you should "kick them to the curb!" The kids, of course, got very excited about this. Every one of them promised they would do no such evil. Because everyone in that room was picturing a spiky haired boy with bad tattoos and worse intentions... except for me. I was picturing my brothers.
We all had generally the same experiences growing up. There were the few kind Mormon friends who graciously invited us to activities, but were never pushy. But more often than not, it was the friends who were suddenly not allowed to hang out with us because we weren't LDS.
Sometimes, especially in the case of my brothers, it came from the parents. They weren't allowed to date them because they weren't LDS. When I was sixteen, I dated a boy who, on the way inside to meet his parents told me, "By the way, I had to tell them you were LDS so they wouldn't kick you out of the house."
Despite the fact that people were always very surprised to learn I wasn't LDS, to many I still became a leper once that knowledge came to light. Many of the people I grew up with were nice when we were little, then slowly stopped talking to me when they realized I wasn't attending Mutual with them every week.
I had multiple friends tell me my marriage would never be "real", because I was the only friend they had who would never get married in the temple.
I had people tell me they couldn't hang out with someone who wasn't LDS, because I was a bad example.
Since my conversion, I've noticed even stranger things. There are the people (usually newly returned missionaries) who excitedly ask to hear my entire conversion story. Then there are the people who look at me fearfully and try not to talk about doctrine in front of me, because being a convert means I used to have a serious drug problem, and I was a dancer in Vegas.
Me.
Anndee.

The girl who literally slept on a bunk bed and had multiple stuffed animals until, like, three years ago. The only alcohol I've ever had was in a CHURCH, because I didn't realize some churches actually serve wine as their sacrament, and I distinctly remember thinking, "Yay, grape juice! How fun!...EEW WHAT DID I JUST DRINK?"
Even once I started coming to church, I had a hard time with Young Women's. Most of the girls wouldn't even talk to me, and I felt very alone. It's scary doing something you've never done before, and even scarier if you have to do it by yourself.
Is this really the impression we want to give of our church?
I will say that I get it. I will be the first to tell you that my temple marriage is the greatest blessing in my life. But just because I have this doctrine in my life, just because I know the truth and want to live it, doesn't make me better than anyone else. It means I should desire it for my neighbor as well. I'm not saying you should marry someone to convert them, I'm saying don't be like my friends who came over to borrow a board game they knew I had, then didn't invite me to play it with them. Be like my friend who realized how many questions I had, and was always there to answer them. Be like my friend who took notes in seminary and handed them to me after class so I could learn more. Be like my friend who consistently invited me to activities, then didn't blame me when I wasn't allowed to go.
Be like my friends who brought me to the church. You have a great blessing in your life, but that doesn't make you special. It means you have a lot of work to do. It means you should desire it for those few around you who don't have it, and do everything you can to make them want to have it too.

The Baby Battles

Let me go ahead and preface this post by saying:
NO, I am not pregnant.
You'll know when I am.
And how much do I have to pay you all to stop asking?

I've known this was coming my whole life. I always dreamed about becoming a mother. But I only dreamed about the things that, as it turns out, don't matter much at all. My main concerns being 1) I hope I'm cute when I'm pregnant and 2) No one I know better steal any of the baby names I like.
I thought being pregnant was all about being stuck in this happy, glowy bubble. I had no idea about the things that can really, really stink.
For one, buying a pregnancy test. I've worked in retail, so I know that pregnancy tests are one of those most stolen items in a store. But seriously, out here in Tremonton, I could get a hold of a Russian mail-order bride faster than I can get a hold of a pregnancy test. They lock those things up behind bars, and you have to get past 3 dragons, a ghost, and a lake of fiery lava just to get to them, then you have to present the cashier with a golden talisman while you recite the secret chant of the pregnant society.
I get that theft was a problem. But 90% of the people buying pregnancy tests want to get out of the store as quickly as possible, and are even willing to hide that loud pink box under some unnecessary groceries, and still the girl from Family Dollar doesn't have the courtesy to put my stuff in a bag? Sure, I don't mind smuggling this out of the store like a thief and praying I don't run into anyone I know in the parking lot.
I am a grown woman. I just got used to buying my own tampons. Can't we just make this one thing not so difficult?
Even that isn't the worst thing. Since my miscarriage last fall, I've realized a lot about having babies that I never noticed before. Like how stinkin hard it is sometimes. I can honestly say that after having a miscarriage, it's hard not to feel like it will be impossible to ever get a child here safely. It's hard not to be jealous of the girls who get pregnant instantly, and then stay pregnant.
It's only been recently that I've realized there is a battle going on between the women in my life, especially those trying to, or in the midst of, building their families.
Or maybe it started out as a battle. But now, it's a full on war.
Because it's not easy. It seems like every stage is full of it's own battles, and everywhere I look there are girls fighting their own battles with motherhood.
But I finally realized something. I could spend a long time being mad at those girls who had babies despite the fact that I didn't... or I could be happy for them. I could realize that they more than likely had their struggles too. I could accept the fact that as women, we have to stick together through this. When I go through hard times, I want someone to be understanding and kind about it. And when I finally do get pregnant, I want someone cheering me on and genuinely excited for me.
And for that to happen, I think I have to be happy for others, too.
It's one of those things we can't base on anyone else. It's comparing our weaknesses to other's strengths. We each have our own timeline, so even though some girls my age already have their 3rd child, others won't have any for 10 more years, or will never have any at all.
So let's just agree to be happy for each other. No more secret loathing when someone makes that big announcement. No more stalking them and wishing it was you.
Because for the most part, I think if we're honest about what we want out of life, we will eventually find it. But not through envying someone else.

Let's do away with weddings once and for all

I stumbled across yet another commercial the other day, showing a bride in her expensive white gown walking down the aisle. There is no one else to be seen, not even her father at her side. The narrator said, simply, "Because this is your day."

I was so irritated, I don't even know what that commercial was advertising.

It's not like this is an uncommon thing. It's not even something we think twice about. A bride on her wedding day... that's a special thing. Anything for the bride. The bride is beautiful and radiant and... wait, can the groom step out of the picture, please? You're blocking part of her extravagant white dress.

How did this happen? When did a wedding become only about the bride?

For that matter, when did a wedding become about more than a marriage?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard the excuse: We're not getting married right now, we can't afford it. We're going to move in together for now and save up for our dream wedding.

It makes me sick inside. So let me say this as clearly as I can: YOUR WEDDING. IS NOT. THE IMPORTANT THING.

The important thing is each other.

If you're engaged or dating or single and looking, take it from someone who's been there: your wedding goes by way too fast. It's true when they say you won't even get a slice of your own cake. And despite all your hard planning, the receiving line of people you've never met and will probably never see again will not disperse in enough time to let you have an hour of dancing with your friends. They don't want to dance, anyway.

I never really thought of myself as that kind of girl, but there was a slight disappointment after the wedding was over. It was like, Huh. My wedding, this day I've been looking forward to my entire life, is over. For the next few weeks after our wedding, I kept having nightmares that we had to set it all back up and do it again because it had gone by so fast.

My wedding was fun. I loved my dress, I loved how Caleb surprised me by singing me our song, I loved our easy luncheon and how we had leftover cookies for like a month. But man, I really hope that wasn't the best day of my life.

On that note, today also marks 5 years since my baptism. Because the majority of my family isn't LDS, I had a lot of people ask me, "Don't you feel bad for your family that they can't go to the sealing?" Call me cruel if you want, but my answer, plain and simple, is no. Not because I'm unkind or don't love my family, but because Caleb was the only person I needed in that room. That moment was about he and I, not anybody else. Afterwards, we did a ring ceremony for my family, and I was the lucky girl that got to have a Temple Sealing and have her father walk her down the aisle. I'm pretty sure that's cheating somehow.

If you're not going into your marriage thinking about the person you're marrying, then you shouldn't be getting married. If your spouse is just a consolation prize after the glitz and glamour of the wedding day is over, then I can almost guarantee yours will be one of those marriages that fails. And if you're moving in together so you can save up for that day, then you're wasting it. The day will go by fast, and you'll go back home to each other as if nothing has changed.
Let it be an adventure. I will be the first to say that being engaged is the WORST. You never want to leave each other, so you end up hanging out every night until 4 am and driving home half-asleep in the freezing cold. But what an awesome gift it is to suddenly be married and realize... we don't have to leave each other again. No matter where the day takes us, we'll both end up back in this house, together. 

Don't get married until you would be thrilled to see him on bended knee with a cubic zirconia Wal Mart special in his hand. Don't get married until you are absolutely willing to marry him in a ceremony where not a single person attends. Don't get married until you want to marry him in your sweats, with no makeup on, on a dirt road in the rain.

I'm not saying you have to do those things. Have your big ring, have your fancy wedding. But not if that's all you want.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Marriage is the best thing you will ever do. Read that carefully. I said marriage, not your wedding. Your wedding is a necessary evil to get to your marriage. If it feels the other way around, then it isn't right.

Now how to get them to stop making these commercials...

(Man am I glad I never had one of these. Super creepy. No batteries needed? That's because this doll is clearly possessed.)

One for all my single friends

Right now, I'm in this weird stage where half my friends are married, and the other half are single, and there is  this silent war between them. I was really surprised after I got married at the number of my single friends who completely wrote me off, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had done it to my married friends too. In the mean time, I was welcomed with open arms into the "Married Club", where the couples were desperate for other couples to hang out with and couldn't be more thrilled to have us.

But this one is for all the single friends I left behind. Because I got married less than a month after turning 22, and I can't tell you how old I thought I was. I was mere months away from dying alone! I realize I've only been married a year and a half, but looking back, I can't image what I was thinking. I wasn't old. I'm still not old. So for all my un-married friends, I have some great news: It's ok if you're not married yet!

I wish now I could go back and grab college-Anndee by the shoulders and shake her and scream, "Just relax!! He's on his way!" Despite everything else going on in my life, I was always looking for my future husband. Wait, was that him on aisle 3 in the grocery store? What should I wear tonight, in case I run into my future husband somewhere? Is it someone I already know? If I go to a different school next semester, will I miss meeting him and die alone?

I know I'm not the only one. And the thing is, once it happens, it happens fast. I don't care if you date for 3 years first and have a long engagement: it still happens fast. One moment you're single and wondering where he could be, and the next you're in a white dress and your life has completely changed.

But let me be clear: your life changes drastically the day you get married. But your life doesn't start the day you get married.

Marrying Caleb is by far the best decision I ever made, and I truly believe it's the most important thing anyone can do. He's the person I'll spend eternity with, and that's why it's a decision you shouldn't take lightly. And that's why I get frustrated for my single friends, who are constantly showered with and endless torrent of, "Are you dating anyone? Is he THE ONE? Will you get married? When?"

It isn't fair, because although I believe it's the most important thing you'll ever do, that doesn't mean it's the only thing worth doing. You have to have your own dreams. You have to live your life, and be a full, complete person before you can meet someone and become that half of a whole. 

That being said, I don't believe any of the old cliches about how "It only happens when you're not expecting it." and "You have to stop looking in order to find him." because I know too many girls who try to cheat the system by shouting to the universe, "Ok, I'm not looking! Feel free to send a handsome, preferrably rich, boy my way!"

It happens when you're ready, and you don't always know when that is. But in the mean time, your life is happening all around you. Once you do get married, you won't get these times back again. So live them while you are living them, not through memories after you've finally found "the one."

You don't need a marriage to validate who you are. What you are doing right now, with these years, matters. And I promise you, we're not as old as you think.

Books, Books, Books

As an avid reader and aspiring writer, I am getting really tired of hearing someone say they're about to read Twilight for the thousandth time.
Just stop it.
I'm tired of ranting about those books.
But I didn't feel like I had any room to complain without giving some suggestions of my own! So, here is my list of books I'd read before ever touching Twilight again.

The Giver- Lois Lowry  I have loved this book ever since Elementary school- such a cool concept and leaves you wanting more!

The Wednesday Letters- Jason F. Wright  This used to be my favorite book until I re-read it and realized how incredibly cheesy it is. Jason F. Wright, bless his heart, is just a very cheesy dude. But if you can get past that, it's got good morals and some awesome plot twists. 

A Complicated Kindness- Miriam Toews  My new favorite author- I cannot get enough of her books, but I'll save some time and just recommend this one. Ok ok, and this one:

The Flying Troutmans- Miriam Toews  She is just awesome. They are all written with deadpan humor, which I clearly enjoy. And they are so unique, I love when I can't predict an ending.

To Kill A Mockingbird- Harper Lee  I know, I know, we all had to read it in 8th grade. But try reading it when someone isn't forcing you to. It's one of my favorite classics.

Tuck Everlasting- Natalie Babbitt  I think I re-wrote knock offs of this book when I was little for like a year after reading it. Good book, that's all!

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance- Elna Baker  I hesitate to recommend this one for fear of who will read it and blame me for some of the content. But it is one of those books I can read over and over- she is so funny and a great story teller.

The Harry Potter Series- J.K. Rowling  I know, this goes without saying. But it amazes me how many people have still never read Harry Potter. Sit down right now and read the whole series. You will be waiting for your Hogwarts acceptance letter within days.

Flowers for Algernon- Daniel Keyes  Another one of those classics that everyone was whining about having to read in Middle School and I finished eagerly in 2 days. Yeah, I've always been this way.

Someone Like You- Sarah Dessen  She has a lot of good books, but this is my favorite of hers. If you've seen "How To Deal", that was based off of this book. She partly inspired my first book, A Place Like Heaven!

Which, ok, I might as well add to this list, along with my soon-to-be-published book, Parallel!

What You've Got

It's the worst when something bad happens and you look around for an adult to help and realize... you are the adult. 
I'm not sure when that happened. The last thing I remember is being little for what felt like an eternity, and all the while wishing I could be a grown-up. Grown-ups had it all. They could eat as many cookies as they wanted. They didn't have to go to school. They were allowed to watch The Simpsons, a show I was certain must have been the most glorious show on the earth simply because I wasn't allowed to watch it.
I remember when I was 9, for some reason I wanted to be 11 really bad. I thought 11 year olds were the coolest. When I was 11, my life would be made.
But then, when I really did turn 11, I wanted to be a teenager. And once I was a teenager, I couldn't wait for High School. But once I was in High School, all I wanted to do was graduate.
I'm not sure what it is in us that always makes us want what we don't have. Because now, I look back and I wish I could be a kid again, at least for awhile. I didn't have to work. I had someone monitoring my cookie intake (turned out to be necessary for me). My biggest concern was whose house I was going to play at that day. And when I was going to finally grow up, of course.
It's not any better now that I'm older. Once I finally get the thing I've always wanted, I enjoy it for about two seconds before I start dreaming about the next thing. It's not even material things: when I was in college, although I pretended not to be, I was always really concerned about finding a husband. I was worried that if I didn't find him soon enough, all the good ones would be taken and I'd inevitably die alone, or worse, scouting out dates from the Brigham Singles Ward. Once I found Caleb, it was like this huge sigh of relief: Oh good, there he is. If I could have just relaxed and trusted that it would happen when it was supposed to happen, I could have enjoyed those years a lot more. I would have been a lot less concerned about the future, and more thoroughly enjoyed the present.

Of course, I say that, but I can't take my own advice. I finally married the man of my dreams, but then I needed a house. And then I needed a puppy. And then I needed that house to be fixed up nicer. And then I needed a baby. And until I have that, I won't be happy. I can't. But I'm patiently waiting until that day when I can be happy.
What skewed thinking. I finally sat back and really thought about it. I thought as far into the future as I could imagine, and asked myself if I would allow myself to be happy then. After we have all our kids, after our debts are paid off and I've made millions writing books, will I be satisfied? Will I at least be able to sit back and enjoy it?
As it turns out, this dude was a few thousand years ahead of me with this quote:

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” -Epicurus

And it's true. There was once a time in your life where what you have right now is exactly what you'd always wanted. -Anndee Fonnesbeck

ALSO Thank you to everyone who clicks on the ads at the end of these posts. I really appreciate it! Click away! :)

Finances: Just my 2 cents

I remember when I was younger I would always say that when I first got married, I wanted to be "poor" with my husband for awhile. We would live in some tiny, dumpy apartment, but I would make it cute with my amazing decorating skills. We would eat Top Ramen every night and be forced to walk to work. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I thought that sounded appealing.

 The problem is, that is what a lot of people actually are living. Just a little disclaimer: I realize that as a 23 year old who has been blessed to have a job and a husband who has one too, this can come off sounding a little pretentious. But after a year of working at a bank and years of managing my own finances, this is simply what I have learned.

The year after High School, I had a great nanny job. I made more than enough money, so I lived very comfortably. I bought a nice car, I bought clothes all the time, and I went out and played nearly every night. I had it made in the shade. 

Then, I lost my job and decided to go to college.

I don't want to be a stereotype here, but the two years I spent up at college were the poor-est of my life. I was so poor I never turned down dates because I couldn't afford to miss out on a free meal. I was so poor I would drive home to Brigham, then have to beg my parents to borrow gas money so I could get back home. I was so poor that I took out school loans to pay for my rent and school, and I will regret that decision forever. The problem, really, was that I was inexplicably poor, because I was working two jobs and really not spending a lot of money. I can honestly tell you I don't know where my money went.

Finally, I couldn't afford to stay in Logan anymore, and I couldn't afford another semester of school without some serious grants. So I moved back home, and then it just so happened that I ended up getting married. I didn't realize it, but this was a major turning point for me. My husband is very good with money and I am so grateful for that! (And as a side note, weddings are great because people pay you for it. You will never again receive so much money from strangers for doing something you were going to do anyway. It's great.)

I won't say we haven't struggled, but I am always amazed at how a few small choices we made have made all the difference for us financially.

First and foremost, BUY A HOUSE.

I know plenty of people will disagree with me on this one, but hear me out: Homeowners get rich, Renters get poor. We pay a heck of a lot less for our mortgage payment than we do for rent, and we're essentially paying it to ourselves. It's the sad, sorry truth. Here's my response to the excuses I've heard: 

"We're planning on living out of the state someday." Great. Move out of the state someday. Until then, own a home. When the time comes, you can sell your house, or rent it out. Caleb and I have lived in our house for 1 year, and I'm confident that if we decided to pack up and leave tomorrow, we could sell it, most likely for more than what we paid. Which means we not only lived here rent-free for a year, but we also got paid to live here.

"We need to save the 20% down." Not right now! The loan we got allows you to move in for 0% down. That's like renting... with no security deposit. That's like getting paid to save the 20% down on your next house.

"I will have to pay for my own repairs if there is no landlord!" This is true, as we realized soon after we moved in. We had a flood in our basement, and getting the pipes snaked was not cheap. However, if I paid $500 a month to a landlord, I would expect a lot more to be getting fixed. Whichever way to turn it, you're still throwing money out the window.

"We don't qualify." That's what we thought too. We were actually kind of embarrassed to go in and give our information to the mortgage lender. I thought she'd laugh us right out of there. But we were both working part-time at Maddox, and we qualified for quite a bit more than what we actually spent. Which brings me to an important thing: buy what you need, not what you want. We would have loved to spend an extra 50,000 on a house and be somewhere really nice, but our house will fit our needs for the next 10 years, and that's also enough time for us to pay it off.

I realize I sound like a bad realtor's brochure, but buying a house was honestly one of the best decisions we've made, and we've never regretted it!

Finally, working at the bank taught me one very important lesson: It's not how much you make, it's what you do with what you make. I was always amazed to see that most people who were old enough to be my parents, who each had great jobs and made significantly more than I do, had a lot less money in the bank. They made a lot more withdrawals than they did deposits, so despite their high incomes, they had less and less money each month. So, my biggest advice: learn to save, and be diligent about it. We decided to save a certain amount each week to pay off our debts (back to those horrible school loans again) and we've been able to do so pretty well. 

I don't mean to offend anyone or act like I have any clue at all what I'm talking about, but I've learned a lot these last few years. I've learned that you don't have to live the way I was living before. I went from having my credit line maxed out at all times, to actually being comfortable, and if I can help someone avoid feeling how I felt in college, then it's a success!