It has begun

I'm going to need both grandmas to take a deep breath and read this post through to the end before you get too excited, ok?
And keep this in mind: when I was pregnant with Dayen, I had full blown anxiety attacks when my friends announced they were pregnant with their second babies, and their first babies were still babies. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my closest sibling is 5 years older than me, but having kids close together was never on my radar. I just don't see the appeal of multiple kids in diapers, multiple nap schedules, basically anything multiple and tiny.
And the risk involved! It would take a lot to talk me into a second kid in under 3 years, but there is the worlds smallest chance that I could have twins, Heaven help me, and then you have THREE under three and from there you basically never wear make up again and turn into a crazy momster 24/7.
My heart is going a million miles a second just thinking about it.
But if I thought I had any control over, well, anything, I've finally learned that I just plain don't. Not even over my own mind or emotions.
I went to bed one night totally content with my one sweet, adorable baby, with no thought of future babies and no plans of even having thoughts of future babies for at least a few more years. Because, give me a break, I'm pooped! I see women popping out a baby every year (looking at you, Duggars!) and I want to cry! How do they do it? Do they like pregnancy more than I did? Because I love Dayen, but that whole getting him here thing was worse than being water boarded. (I assume, but I'm fairly certain.) I never slept. I was sick all the time. I had heartburn more painful than I knew you could experience. I had horrible things happen that even I am too ashamed to blog about. And it lasts for SO LONG! How, how, how do you willingly sign up for that again?
But then I woke up one morning, right after the Day baby's first birthday, and my body, my hormones, whatever- completely betrayed me. It was like my body realized, "Now is an acceptable time for you to have another kid." And even though it was pure torture, it just expects me to go through it all again. Just willingly walk into 9 long months of probably feeling a lot like I did just a short year ago. 
And it's playing dirty, too. Because suddenly my sweet little baby isn't such a baby anymore. I can see him growing into a little boy every day, and it's baffling to watch. It's cruel! I spent all that time cooking him up, all those hours in labor, and all I get is a few short years before he starts being embarrassed to be seen with me in public?

It just isn't fair! It all happens so quickly. He turned into a toddler overnight! 
These pictures were taken less than two months apart. Two months and my chubby baby turned into a kid! It completely blindsides you even though every one tells you how fast it's going to go. When you're up all night with a teething baby that's been crying for days, you don't believe them.
But I believe them now! And I finally figured it out. It's not another baby that I want (at least, not yet.) I want to start over with the same baby! I would willingly go through that awful pregnancy and labor all over again to see Dayen as a tiny baby one more time. To let him fall asleep in my arms more, to revel in that new-mom feeling that is so unlike anything else. 
It's such a strange feeling because the baby that he was is just gone, replaced with this older, larger, less-cuddly kid. I know it sounds stupid- I get it- but it's a loss. My brain truly can't understand where my baby has gone. 
And he's still a baby! Oh, it's going to get so much harder. I know that. 
Me and my little buddy have a lot of our firsts behind us. I can't replace him with baby #2, and having another one will likely be worlds different than it was the first time around.
But I will always be grateful to this sweet kid for going through all this with me. For being so understanding when I had no clue what I was doing. For being so insanely easy, cute, and fun. For making me a mom.
I'm excited for that next step some day. I will love to be a mom again.
But for now, I'm going to go snuggle this cutie while he's still too little to stop me, I'm going to kiss those cheeks as long as I can, I'm going to take and post way too many pictures so I won't forget what he was like. 
I'm going to enjoy this. Today, right now.
Next time I complain, remind me, will you?

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